I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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