My sheets look like a crime scene.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
