Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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