Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
