i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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