Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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