Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
