I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
