She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
