We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
