Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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