he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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