The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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