Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I need to sanitize my soul.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
