you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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