But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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