I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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