i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
