Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
