listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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