One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
