please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
