You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
