I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
