she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
