You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.