Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.