well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
