Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
