I'm laying in your front yard are you home
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
