I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
