I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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