just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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