the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
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Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
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All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.