I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.