I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
