Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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