the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
