Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
