hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
