Define "chronic" masturbator.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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