dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
