the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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