I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
