I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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