my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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