Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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