Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Princesses don't give blow jobs
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
