there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
