whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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