My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
