I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
