dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
