Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
