Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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