Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
