Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
