i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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