So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
