I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
