The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
