Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
