So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
