Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
